


Honestly ok

by fragilespark



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: M/M, Songfic, Zell/Squall unrequited
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-03-20
Updated: 2002-03-20
Packaged: 2018-05-03 20:42:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5306114
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fragilespark/pseuds/fragilespark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My first fanfic, written between 2001 and 2002.</p>
<p>Squall keeps his feelings locked inside, and only a few people manage to break through his shell. But the only one who can open up is Squall himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I just want to feel safe in my own skin  
> I just want to be happy again  
> I just want to feel deep in my own world  
> But I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore
> 
> On a different day if I was safe in my own skin  
> Then I wouldn't feel lost and so frightened  
> But this is today and I'm lost in my own world  
> And I'm so lonely I don't even wanna be with myself anymore

Squall fondled his Griever pendant for the fifth time that day. It had only been a week since they had defeated Ultimecia, and everything that had happened since he became a SeeD was still vivid in his memory. He pondered on the events, knowing he had plenty of time to think.

"Squall! There you are!" Rinoa said, clasping her hands together against her chest, "I've been looking for you." 

Squall winced. He did not need a distraction like Rinoa. He sighed, closing his eyes. His time to think had been stolen away. He looked up to see her coy smile and he raised an eyebrow. He knew didn't need to prompt her to continue, she would just ramble on anyway. 

"Guess what? Selphie's planned a big party! She's gonna invite everybody..." Squall zoned out. He dreaded to think how excited Selphie was if this was Rinoa's reaction. "...Squall? What's wrong? Are you listening? I was saying..."

_No, I wasn't listening. Just go away, I need to think._

"...so will you? Please?" 

"Fine, whatever." He said, standing up and walking away. He heard Rinoa giggling behind him. Agreeing to something was a good way to avoid being labelled insensitive, but it was a problem when he hadn't quite registered what it was. He rubbed the scar on his forehead, but decided he would deal with it later. He just wanted to mull over his thoughts. No more interruptions.

"Squall!" It was Zell. Squall told himself to keep walking. "Yo, wait up! Hey! Don't ignore me! Squall!" He was a little sorry but he was desperate for the peace and quiet. He made his way towards the Training Center, only this time he decided he would avoid the T-Rexaurs. He wasn't in the mood and he didn't want to deal with them when his real destination was the secret area beyond.

"Empty," he said, stepping in and breathing a sigh of relief. He twisted his body round to lock the door. He could do whatever he wanted, because he was Commander, whatever that really meant. He flopped down on the old battered couch that some students had dragged in. Pulling rank was selfish, he knew that. He let another soft sigh escape his lips, looking around. What a little piece of heaven. The place was beautiful, a strange fact considering the junk that its visitors had furnished it with. There were a few more seating areas, with an assortment of cushions, mattresses, beanbags, and the big couch which accommodated his body. All lovingly donated and giving a very unique feel to the place. They came to enjoy the view of the Garden at night, which was breathtaking. In the daytime it was nice enough but not many people visited during the day. Squall was glad that it was deserted. A quiet sanctuary which he had all to himself. He knew it wasn't really fair on others but this escape was just what he needed. He resolved to visit more often. He looked up as he heard the sound of bells. Seven o'clock already. He gave himself a whole hour to relax with his thoughts. He laid back against the cushions and closed his eyes. Curfew would be at eight. He'd have enough time.

 

Quistis made her way through the tables in the cafeteria towards her friends. She sat down beside Zell, unable to keep the beaming smile from her face.

Irvine tipped his hat at her. "Hello, Instructor," he said, emphasising the term. She grinned at him. "How does it feel?" 

"Better than ever! I can't believe that most of the students signed the petition, I'm so happy!" 

Selphie piped up. "Yeah, it was that stupid faculty – but now Squall's in charge and it's all right again." They all turned at a grunt from Zell. He muttered something they didn't quite catch. 

"What's wrong?" Rinoa had a habit of asking people that. 

"Oh, sure – Squall's just so great, isn't he?" He let out a big sigh. "Don't say anything, just- maybe it's just me. He totally ignored me earlier. I know he's not Mr Social Skills but he really went out of his way to avoid me... and you say he went along with your plans?" 

Rinoa looked uncomfortable. "Well, he kinda said it was okay..." 

"Kinda? Are you sure you didn't misunderstand him? I used to when I first started teaching him." 

"What did he say, exactly?" 

"Well, I told him about your plan, and he said 'Fine, whatever' and walked off-" 

"Well of course." Quistis cut in. "You should know that's one of his automatic responses. It doesn't necessarily mean he agrees to anything. It's more likely that he just wanted to get you off his case." She looked smugly at the slightly hurt Rinoa. 

Selphie rolled her eyes at the pouting girl. "So we're back to square one, now. You could have made sure! Ah, I'll find someone else, even if it's just for backup.” She stood up. “See ya later." 

Irvine watched her leave and decided to follow. He saw Quistis' smile fade into the frown of her two companions and sighed. "Hey hey, people. Come on, stop with the moping already!" He looked at all three of them in turn and shook his head before walking off to find Selphie.

An uneasy silence descended on the group. It was broken by the scrape of Zell's chair as he stood up. Quistis followed suit. Being left alone with Rinoa was not an option. 

"Oh? Are you going? We could talk about Squall some more-" 

This caused Zell to grunt in annoyance. "Anything you wanna say, say it to him." Quistis nodded in agreement, before turning her heel and heading out of the room, the other blonde not far behind. 

"Meanies..." 

 

Squall awoke with a start. There was a loud banging noise at the door, accompanied by a trio of unmistakeable voices shouting.

"Open up! It's after curfew! You've got ten, I repeat, ten seconds before I bust it down!" 

"Great," Squall mumbled, still half asleep. Quistis wasn't the only one who was reinstated. 

"COUNTING!" 

"Nine! Eight!" 

"Get out, ya know!" 

"Seven! Six! Five!" 

_Whatever, Seifer._

"Four! Three!" 

_Fine. I'll play your game._

"Two! ...One!" 

_Up here, jerk._

Squall crouched on top of the metal structure that contained the door leading down to the Training Centre. He was wobbling with every impact because it was so high, but he was relatively safe. He would be behind the Disciplinary Committee when they came in, giving him a slight advantage. Hopefully they would go and he could be alone again. He smirked. Not that he had done much thinking, just dreaming.

"We did it, ya know!" 

Squall looked at them and wondered why he had even bothered hiding in the first place. He ducked down lower. He had to follow through.

"EMPTY. "

"Maybe Squall put a lock on it to keep people out, ya know?" 

"POSSIBLE?" 

"Hmm.” Definitely Seifer. “Let's go find him then.” Troublemaker.

Squall decided to stay where he was for a while, pondering his predicament. Even if Seifer had found him, he would have had nothing to worry about. Not only was Squall in a position of authority, but Seifer had become quite civil to his former rival since returning to Garden. However, it was still Seifer and his posse, back again and instilling fear into the students as if they'd never been away. It was just an act, just a routine. No matter how threatening the scarred blonde acted, he never really caused trouble. Some would say he was making up for past events. He had been forgiven, of course, just as Edea had been forgiven and Ultimecia was no longer a problem. Squall reached up and laced his fingers through the chain around his neck, tugging slightly. He jumped at a sudden sound and looked down. Seifer was back.


	2. Chapter 2

Rinoa stepped into Squall's dorm room meekly, having resolved to try and get him to talk to her. As soon as the empty silence hit her, her face dropped into a sulk. She looked around the barely decorated room, which even in its simplicity, was easily recognisable as Squall's. Small details, like the Battle Series collection, neatly arranged on the shelf, and more obvious things such as the huge gunblade case propped up against the bed. She swept her eyes over the smooth sheets, her imagination taking over for a split second.

"RINOA?" She jumped at Fuujin's harsh exclamation. "EXPLAIN." 

"What? Me? I... You have even less reason to be here than I do!" 

"SQUALL?" 

"I don't know where he is. I'm looking for him. Are you-?" 

Fuujin visibly rolled her eye and marched out of the room. She had never liked Rinoa. The feeling was mutual. 

"What is everyone's problem?" Rinoa wondered aloud, sitting on the edge of the soft mattress. She checked her watch, frowning. It was after curfew, not that it really mattered. The rules were less strict now that the faculty was gone, however, most people seemed to follow them. Perhaps they were scared of the DC. She pouted as she thought of the silver-haired girl. Why was she looking for Squall? She had been her love rival once, when both girls had believed themselves to be in love with Seifer. Was Fuujin at it again? Rinoa pressed her lips together tightly. She wasn't prepared to let anyone get near her Squall. With a sigh, she made herself more comfortable. "I'll just wait here for him." Her mood changed again as she shifted on the bed. A giggle escaped her throat. She could get used to this. It was so warm.

 

"You've got to be kidding me, Leonhart. Pulling rank just so you can monopolise the space?" 

"I can do what I want." 

Seifer made an expression of distaste. "I didn't realise you'd got that high and mighty. You're not that special. I think you need someone to kick your ass all the way back to reality." He smirked. “Obviously that would be me.” 

Squall exhaled. "Not now, Seifer. I need some time to myself, dammit!" 

"You've always got time for yourself! That's what you do! You spend all your time in your little world thinking about yourself. So now you're the guy who has everything, and you still want more? What the hell would it take to satisfy you?" 

Squall paused, composing himself. "This jealousy thing is so immature." 

"What?" 

"You'll get over it." Squall kept his cool exterior, while Seifer's dissolved completely. He lunged at Squall, determined to get through to him. Squall ducked out of the way and disappeared through the door, ignoring Seifer's loud swearing. He didn't really want to get into a fight, although he would choose it over sharing his thoughts with someone. What did he want though? The question had hit the mark. His thoughts were interrupted by the shadow of a T-Rexaur, half-injured by an earlier battle which had resulted in the students fleeing. Easy picking. Squall detached Lionheart from his belt and held it out in front of him. He formed his battle stance. Maybe a little action would be good for him. The giant monster roared as it prepared to attack its two enemies.

"Seifer! I don't need your-" 

"Shut it! The sooner it's dead, the sooner we settle this." 

The huge tail lashed out, knocking them both over. Seifer got up immediately, rushing over and slicing through the tough skin with Hyperion. Squall closed his eyes and summoned Shiva, a pleasant tingle running through his body. The cold air which rushed past him became visible particles of frost, collecting to create the icicle in which the Guardian Force would appear. The transparent ice shattered in one fluid motion as the beautiful goddess broke herself free, and fixed her icy stare at her foe. She concentrated all her will into the energy between her hands, feeling her summoner pour his soul into the attack with her. She arched her back as the combination of power reached its peak, and suddenly released, throwing herself forward, giving her all into the freezing blast which was the extreme of her element. After freezing the opponent, the diamond dust faded into nothing, and she sent a familiar shiver down Squall's spine. He heard a distant thud as the T-Rexaur fell to the ground and thanked her silently.

Seifer grabbed his arm roughly, startling the brunette out of his trance. 

"See? You're doing it there, talking to yourself!" He heard Squall hiss as he struggled. 

"I was talking to Shiva!" 

Squall knew Seifer didn’t believe him. He hadn't eased his grip on Squall’s arm. He tried to shrug him off.

"Any excuse to get away from me, huh?" There was a slight snarl in his tone.

This was not going to be easy. "What do you know? You've never junctioned a GF! You know nothing!"

"I know that you and the Ice Bitch have a lot in common." Squall slapped his face with his free hand. Bad move. The grip on his arm tightened and he could feel the soreness which signaled the beginning of a bruise. "C'mon, tell me what wonderful things you two chat about."

"Seifer, stop it!" Squall sighed. "I'm not making excuses. Just let me go."

Seifer regarded him suspiciously for a moment before complying slowly. Squall clutched at the fading pain, wondering if he should just run. The adrenaline rush was familiar. But he stayed. If anyone had analysed their relationship, they'd probably call it a game. It wasn’t about Shiva. It wasn’t about curfew. It had never been anything more than opposites totally magnetised towards each other.

"So, what were you doing in there, huh?"

_Yeah. Because I'm gonna tell you about my dreams._

"What, you think your room's not private enough anymore? ‘Cause I'm with the DC again? With the lock override?" Squall didn't like the way he was moving ever so slightly closer. "Think I'm gonna _invade_...?"

"Seifer." There was a warning tone in Squall’s voice again. He didn't know why he bothered. It never worked. Just a reflex. Automatic. Like everything else.

"Don't flatter yourself, Leonhart." Seifer shoved him in the direction of the secret area. Squall was thrown off-balance, and Seifer grabbed him, pulling him along.

"Seifer!" Squall gasped, trying to break free. "No! I-"

"Shut the fuck up! I said we would settle this!"

"No!" _He's going to hurt me. Why? I thought we were friends? Seifer..._

He slammed the dented door behind them and pushed Squall against it. "Squall-"

"Seifer, I don't understand, why-"

"I said shut up! I'll have to make you." Suddenly his mouth pressed onto Squall’s urgently. Squall’s heart raced, expecting a violence that never came. Squall felt Seifer against him, his body heat, the soft lips demanding entry. His eyes were still wide with shock, but as Squall involuntarily let the kiss deepen, the swirling sky above him disappeared. Seifer’s tongue. Inside his mouth. His hands started to roam his body. Seifer pushed his hand up Squall’s shirt and he let out a confused whimper. What was happening? The kiss felt so good. 

_What am I doing?_ "Nnnnhhhh, Seifer, wait." His lips were impatient against Squall’s mouth "Please, I-"

"Squall..." Seifer’s voice was husky and it sent a shiver down his spine. "If you didn't want this you wouldn't doubt." Another kiss. "I know we both want this."

Squall tried to keep his breathing even. He couldn’t believe this was happening. _What should I do? I've fantasised about this for so long._ “Seifer?” 

"Yeah," he breathed. _Oh gods._ "Squall..."

That was it. They were kissing again, this time more passionately. Squall could feel his self-control slipping away from him. Seifer led him towards the old couch he had been sleeping on earlier. He felt Seifer’s hand wander under the fabric of his shirt again. Why was every touch so magnified? Everything was happening so quickly. Already the heat had rushed to his groin, and Seifer's hardness was starting to become obvious. Squall’s body was nestled in between him and the couch. Squall could only pant at the fumbling of clothes being discarded.

"Seifer-" _Why is my voice shaking?_ "What... what-" Squall was seriously on the verge of becoming incoherent. "Are we... I-" Silenced by a kiss. Again. Squall Leonhart, babbling? He should probably shut up.

"Leon-" Seifer moaned. Squall’s leather pants were at his knees. "Nn, Squall." Seifer was pushing at his arm, trying to get him to face the couch. "C'mon. Like that."

"Huh?" Squall murmured, though he suddenly realised _exactly_ what he meant. There was an ache inside him. Seifer was going to fuck him. _Uh, will it hurt? It's going to..._ "Seifer! We need, uh... lube."

"I know!" Seifer’s voice was groaning with frustration. "I have some."

Squall heard the rustle of clothes. Now time was moving too slow. Every thread of the fabric under him was magnified as the head of his cock brushed against it. He tried not to move. He wanted to wait for Seifer, but his hips started moving, forcing delicious friction to scream against his skin. "Uhnnn..."

"Squall-" Seifer's voice caught as he realised what Squall was doing. His fingers were slick with lubricant as he curled them under Squall’s hips to lift them up off the couch. Squall felt the random patterns left by Seifer’s touch as he began tracing his way down to his entrance. He gripped the edge of his cushion as his own frustration built up.

"Please, I want you to..."

"Shhh." Seifer spread Squall’s legs a little more, fondling his balls. Squall let out a shaky sigh. He was trying to distract Squall from the alien feeling of having a finger pushed inside him. It wasn’t working. "Does it hurt?"

"Uhhhh, no. It's... ah, weird." Was that the only time he felt the need to express himself vocally? There were now two digits inside him and Seifer moved them faster, spreading the lube or getting Squall used to it. He didn't know. But he didn't want him to stop.

"Squall. Are you ready?" Squall heard the strain in his voice. Squall’s throbbing erection was making him forget that Seifer was waiting for him.

"Yeah." A hesitant second, then he felt himself stretch as Seifer buried himself inside him. "Aaaah!"

"Ungh, Squall," he groaned, "you okay? Oh Hyne, you're so tight." Seifer’s vulnerability to his desire was straining his voice. They were both losing themselves, finding a pace and then going faster. It felt so familiar. He belonged there, just like Squall belonged to him. Just like he had always done.


	3. Chapter 3

"Hi Ma!" 

"Zell! What a nice surprise! Are you staying here tonight?" 

"Yeah! You don't mind, do ya?" 

"Of course not." Mrs Dincht reached up to ruffle the blonde spikes, earning an uncharacteristic frown. "How are you? How are your friends?" 

Zell sniffed the air. Balamb fish. “Oh, same old." They hadn't changed. That was part of the problem.

"Zell?" 

He smiled. "I'm starving." 

"Anything wrong?" 

He sighed heavily, shaking his head, then smiled again. "I guess I can't fool you, huh?" 

"Not a chance!" Zell's adoptive mother grinned broadly at him, motioning at him to sit down. She served out the steaming food and sat down across from him. "So, you can tell me over dinner, but don't speak with your mouth full!" 

Zell rolled his eyes. "Ma, I'm seventeen, not seven... and I've learned my lesson about death by choking." He blew on his food to cool it down.

"Yes, you're a mature one, Zell," she snickered. She laughed even harder at the inevitable eye-rolling. Silence descended on them as they ate, except for the soft music playing on the radio. "So is there anything serious?" 

"Nah, not really. It's just a lot of different stuff." 

"So tell me." There was a pause. "Zell. Don't play with your food." 

"Sorry, I just don't know where to start." 

"That just means you've got a lot more on your mind than you originally thought." 

Zell looked up slowly and wondered how many problems Squall had. "Yeah."

"So I suggest, now you're here with some peace and quiet, that you think things through a bit. But don't worry yourself all night about it! Sleep it over, and tell me in the morning." 

Zell nodded. "You're right." 

Ma Dincht chuckled. "Of course I am!” 

 

Zell yawned. “Okay. Early night. See ya in the morning.”

“Night, Zell!”

“G’night, ma!” he called, making his way up the stairs. He locked the door behind him, a habit he had taken for granted throughout his younger years. Shutting himself away, along with his privacy and secrets. Changing alone, instead of in the locker room, afraid the other boys would see his arousal. He was already picked on endlessly as it was, and there was also the fact that seeing Squall naked would torture him endlessly. Being just out of reach of what he wanted. “Squall… why you gotta be so cold?” 

He stripped off his clothes and slid between the cool sheets. Sighing, he began fantasising. The sultry SeeD Commander finally warming up, opening up to him… in more ways than one.

“Oh god,” Zell groaned as his body reacted to the images he was creating in his mind, rubbing his hand against the hardening flesh between his legs. He felt so guilty. He always did. He was using Squall, in a way. The object of his affections was completely unaware of the positions he was capable of getting into in Zell’s imagination. Sprawled out on the bed, looking up at Zell between his legs with those hypnotising eyes. Face flushed, hair mussed, and hot, so hot. “Squall…” Panting, moaning, arching his athletic body. “Oh yeah…” Zell’s grip strengthened as he simulated the tightness he would find, pumping his cock almost painfully hard. He tipped his head back, his eyes squeezed shut as he prepared to climax. “Squall… Oh… god… nnn…” Zell licked his parted lips. _Zell… please…_ “Oh fuck- Squall!” His fantasy dissolved into raw pleasure as his mind failed to concentrate. He couldn’t hear Squall’s cries, he couldn’t see the beautiful body spread out for him. His need for pleasure took over and he was alone, with the blood pumping through his veins, and a cry dying in his throat as he came.

 

Night descended on Balamb Garden. The members of the orphanage gang had a lot on their minds, not least Quistis. She had wanted to talk to Squall, but her hopes were dashed. 

"There's always tomorrow." She sighed, covering herself up with the quilt. She lay there quietly as her breathing steadied, mulling all her thoughts over. She thought back on the time when she lost her status of Instructor and Squall had seemed not to care. Now that it was the reverse, would his behaviour be any different this time? She'd have liked to think that it was, but Rinoa, Zell and Irvine today had made her think. Was it that she was blind? Had he even changed at all? She bit her lip worriedly. The logical part of her brain was telling her to give up hope, but the rest of her refused it. Okay, so she loved Squall very much, but it went beyond that. Quistis thought that maybe he hadn't switched off from the war yet, if he really did believe that the threat hadn't gone yet. There was no proof of this, however it couldn't be resolved without a discussion with the man himself. It wouldn't be possible that night, so she should just forget about it. This half-comforting thought led her reluctantly to try and sleep. Her body responded gratefully.

 

Squall had finally managed to get away from Seifer, who had let him go, but was still determined to pursue the issue at a later date. He sighed wearily, his only comfort the fact that he'd finally get some peace in his room. At least locking the door wouldn't be a crime. He hoped it wouldn't lead to another sleepless night. He slumped his shoulders as he entered the dark room, not bothering with the light, as he knew the place inside out, even hitting the lock button on the door's control panel without searching for it. Stretching, he sighed at the tension in his muscular body. Everyone thought he was so tidy and ordered, but Squall liked nothing better than lazing around, throwing his clothes all over the floor and leaving his bed as he had slept in it. Yawning softly, he decided to leave his shower until the morning, and stripped down to his boxers. He sat down on the edge of the bed, stifling another yawn. Despite the little nap earlier, he still needed to get some rest. He was always so tired.

“Something to do with waking up in the middle of the night...” he murmured. 

"Mmm." 

Squall jumped and rushed towards the panel, turning on the lights, his reflexes acting faster than his brain. He spun round, about to reach for his gunblade, when he heard his name. 

"Rinoa?" What the hell was she doing in his bed? 

"Mmm..." 

"Rinoa? Are you awake?" Squall listened to the sounds she was making before rubbing his forehead yet again in frustration. He didn't know if he could handle it. "Rinoa, wake up!" 

"Squall..." 

"Stop dreaming about me and wake the hell up!" Seifer was rubbing off on him.

"Huh? Mmm... Squall?" 

"You awake now?" 

"Ah... yes... I-" 

He followed her gaze at her pause. Tight black boxers. So what? “Why the hell are you in my bed?"   
"Uh... you see... I..." She couldn't keep her eyes off his body. 

"Would it help if I took them off?" 

"What!?" He imagined her shocked yelp must have been overheard by someone. Squall rolled his eyes and decided not to joke around anymore. At least it had woken her up. He only hoped she wouldn't ask him to follow through.

"Rinoa. Tell me now. Are you going to stay there all night? Or shall I make plans to sleep in the Ragnarok?" 

"Umm... I- I'm sorry. I'll go." she mumbled, blushing, both at Squall's appearance and her embarrassment at the situation. She made her way quickly to the door, and felt Squall behind her, leaning over. Her heart skipped a beat. He pressed a button and the door opened. 

"Don't do it again." He ordered before pushing her out and locking the door again behind her. 

 

"I saw you smiling at me, was it real or just my fanta-" Click. The music stopped abruptly as Rinoa jabbed at the 'off' button. She glared at her stereo system which had been playing her favourite song. Her song, she had thought it, and Squall's. Not anymore. She flipped her hair and stood proudly in front of the mirror. What was wrong with her? Why didn't Squall want her? What did he want? They had been through a lot together. He had saved her life, smiled at her and kissed her – but he had pulled away. Shyness? He had acted as if nothing happened. As if he had regretted it or was embarrassed to have been lost in the moment. Her eyes travelled down to her necklace. Two rings. Her mother's, and his. She detached it and just looked at it in her hand. After a while, she sighed deeply. Opening one of the drawers in her night stand, she pulled out some paper, and began to write. She heard Angelo sniff her way into the room, but didn't give her a single glance until she finished her letter. After reading it one last time, she folded it up neatly and slipped it into an envelope along with the ring. She sealed it securely, and all she wrote on the front was "Squall". Her eyes returned to her reflection. She was better than this. Her eyes narrowed and she pouted defiantly. 

"Fine. Just fine. I don't need you either. You'll see."


	4. Chapter 4

“Griever..." 

The soft wind brushed against the young boy's cheek and through his unkempt hair. It made his clothing ripple against his skin and caused his hairs to stand on end. The speed picked up, and the boy wrapped his slender arms around his equally slender frame. He was about twelve, looking to be on the verge of puberty. His eyes hinted at maturity but his body was still young, innocent. He watched as the waves began to hit the shore much more violently, sending small droplets of salty water all around him, adding to the cold he was feeling. The water was still rhythmically pounding against the isolated bank of sand, and the accumulating moisture was making the brunette damp. He wanted to call out again, but his voice failed him. He already knew it would be useless, because the sounds of the approaching storm would drown out any sound he tried to make. And yet he still stood there, as the rain started to pour down on him, trying to find the answers to all his questions. 

_Why don't I get scared of the storm? Where's Sis? Will I ever see her again? Why does Seifer hate me? Who were my parents? Why do I always end up alone? Does everyone else get nightmares too? Why doesn't anyone love me? Am I gonna die? Who is Griever? Who am I...? Squall...?_

 

Squall just wanted to be selfish for a while. He made his way towards the beautiful crimson Ragnarok, and boarded the dragon-like ship. He sat down in front of the main controls. “I'll go find Griever on my own,” he sighed. He started the giant engines, the vibrations beneath him going from an almost imperceptible rumbling to a violent shaking as he neared take-off. He set the Auto-Pilot for Winhill and stretched his leather clad limbs. 

_Killing Griever was strange. But that's in the future. His future. He must be alive now._

Squall was unsure of his connection with the giant lion, but something inside him was desperate to know. His Gunblade, his pendant, his ring – still around Rinoa's neck. He grimaced, crinkling his nose and scar. He wanted it back. Rinoa hadn't changed. But her reasons had changed. When she was hanging off a cliff or floating in space she had to be saved. She didn't deserve to die. Anyone else would also have been helpless in her place. However, she still acted like a damsel in distress. A lot had happened, but it felt like they were all stuck. None of them had changed on the outside. The Disciplinary Committee, despite their involvement in the War; Quistis, an instructor again; and Squall himself was still Commander of Balamb Garden even though he despised the role. Everything was how it should be. But it didn't feel anywhere near right. 

Laguna was his father and Ellone was suddenly back in his life. Growing up without parents felt different to knowing them and having to deal with the fact that one of them was dead. A person, with a life, an identity. The small moments with Raine that he had experienced in the Dream World held so much more significance now. Raine Leonhart. Part of him wished that her gravestone held that name. He was glad he was named after her. He didn't know of any other Leonhart families. He knew of some Loires, though. A distant family, already smug to be related to the President of Esthar, wanted to have a piece of Squall too. It made him sick. At least his friends wanted small things, like a smile, or a chat. These other people were already arguing over who should get the greater share. Were they already planning his death? They didn't care about him, but he could easily give them what they wanted. How could it be so easy to please his enemies and yet hurt the ones he loved most? 

 

The grass below the Ragnarok rippled fiercely as Squall brought it down to the ground. The town looked tiny ahead of him, and he cursed himself for bringing the huge airship. 

"Great." he muttered, "now everyone knows I'm in town." The brunette sighed and made his way out of the ship, walking down Winhill's worn down path.

_Best to start from the beginning, I guess. Should I even be doing this? I may never find what I'm looking for if I don't really know what it is..._

The main plaza came into sight and the happy cries of children reached his ears. Thankfully, no more soldiers, just a few patrolling SeeDs. Right in front of him was the pub. He paused in front of the door, wondering if maybe he should get on with his life instead of dwelling in the past. He shook his head. There was one thing he had to do first. 

"Hey! You're Raine's boy, aren't you, dear?" Squall turned to see the owner of the old voice that addressed him. "You visiting her grave today?" 

"Yes, I am." 

"Without flowers? Come on, take a look, dear. Poor Raine so loved her flowers..." 

"Have you still got those white ones she liked?" 

"Yes, of course! Look, this lovely bunch for 50 gil..." 

"Okay. Here." 

"Bless you, my dearie. She'll love them. Thank you!" 

That was far too cheerful for his liking. He cradled the bunch of flowers in his hand, wondering which way to go. He chose the more peaceful scenic route; he didn't feel like talking to anybody, let alone those who made a profit on the deceased with a smile on their face. Winhill had become the ideal final resting place for many people. It was almost sickening to think that it would grow and thrive with funeral directors, flower sellers... just a place to go to bury and visit the dead. That was what Squall came to Winhill to do though. His eye caught the sunlight that reflected off the metal plaque and headed towards it. He felt himself moving more slowly with every step he took.

 

"Mum. " The word felt alien on his tongue. "I..." Squall let out his breath noisily. This wasn't going to be easy. "Raine. Mum. I- I didn't know. Before-" He cleared his throat. "I don't remember for myself. I mean, Ellone – she has powers. She showed me the past. I saw you, before..." Squall's voice dropped to a whisper. "Unless you've been somehow watching me. I'm not very- I mean-" 

He let out an exasperated sigh and decided to try something different. "Here. I know these were your favourite flowers – I brought some for you. They always remind me of you now. Not just for what they are, but the colour, too. I guess you may find it silly, but they remind me of your jumper. I've only ever seen you wear one outfit so... that's how I remember you. Looking back, you kind of look like me. More beautiful."

_I don't know what to say._

"Everyone says most of my looks come from you – especially Laguna. I find it really strange to think of him as my dad. My personality isn't helping. He thinks I hate him but I don't. I really don't. I'm just... I can't seem to express my feelings, when people listen." Squall paused and thought of Rinoa in her coma. "People call me... they sometimes call me Leonheartless. It hurts, because I do love people – you, Ellone. Seifer, Quistis, Zell, Selphie, Irvine..." His eyes widened as he realized what he was saying. He loved so many people, who thought he was indifferent to them. He didn't want them to think that and end up losing them because of it. "I love you, Mum." 

"Squall?" 

A breeze was beginning to pick up on the Winhill plains. "What are you doing here?" 

Long dark hair moved in the wind. "Same as you, it seems. Long time no see, son." 

Squall looked at the bunch of lilies cradled in his father's arms. He was aware of his silence but didn't know what to do about it. He must have heard his confession of love but now the words wouldn't come, to the one who was actually around to hear them. He watched as Laguna sighed and crouched down to place the flowers next to his own offering. 

"Hey, at least they match!" 

Squall said nothing. 

"Umm, yeah. So..." 

"So." Squall murmured quietly. Wow, a word. Talk about progress. He shuffled and looked down at his feet. 

Laguna sighed again.

Squall told himself to make an effort. "Day off?" 

The older man looked up at him with a quirky smile. "Half-day. It's such a treat." 

"Yeah. Me too." Awkward. Squall watched as Laguna got up to his feet, and beckoned him to follow him back to the village. 

"Come on, I'm getting hungry. I came alone today, and I could sure use some company. Walk with me?" 

Squall only hesitated for a heartbeat before doing so, looking back at his mother's name once more. He could feel his heart thumping softly in his chest. How could he say it? Thinking hard about it, it was hard to believe that people had given him such a chance for so long. Okay, so Laguna had blood ties but what about the rest of his 'family'? If people liked him that much then why did they all want him to change? "Uh..." 

Laguna turned to him, eyebrows raised. "You say something?" 

"Yeah. I mean, uh... where are, you know, Kiros and Ward?" 

"Ah, they're back at the Palace doing all my work! Not really. But that's how I get my time off. They're great friends! What about you?" 

"They have their own lives to live." 

The two men reached the door of the restaurant. Squall looked towards the pub. "Aren't we going-" 

"Nah. Kinda painful, if you know what I mean." 

Squall sighed and whispered tentatively. "Dad?" He looked as startled as Laguna was. "I- I mean..." 

The scarred brunette found himself on the receiving end of a big grin. "Come on, Squall, let's go get some food." He felt his lips tugging up slightly, but his father had already turned away.


End file.
